How to Handle Conflict in the Home

I am no expert at handling conflict.  Recently, one of my adult children said to me, “Mom, I don’t think our family is good with handling conflict.” You know what I said? “I agree.” I admit - it was difficult to hear, but I was proud of this adult child for speaking truth to me (I believe prompted by the Holy Spirit). Since that time, I have been on a quest – asking God to teach me how to walk and model conflict resolution well. My heart desires this for my family – and to honor God with Spirit-led, healthy conflict resolution.Looking back to the time when our children were growing up, if I were to have a mulligan, I would aim at modeling conflict resolution well in the context of family relationships. Some conflict is minimal and can be resolved in front of children, and other conflict needs to be resolved out of earshot. You understand. Children learn conflict resolution by your modeling and training. There are many opportunities between siblings and between friends, if you have an only child.For example, how do you speak to your spouse in the home? Are you modeling respect by your tone of voice, attitude, word choices and facial expressions? Is there unresolved conflict that is impeding your ability? If so, perhaps a block of time is necessary to address this. Or is a trusted counselor a resource that is necessary? I encourage you to ask the Lord what He wants to teach you in this area. Just like for me, this is a prayer He desires to answer.How can we teach our preschoolers and young children how to resolve conflicts? In Dennis and Barbara Rainey’s book, The Art of Parenting: Aiming Your Child’s Heart Toward God, they formulate seven relationship qualities to teach, correct, and train in the context of family relationships. Each one is listed here from pages 79 and 80.

1. Teach them how to listen well.  (James 1: 19-20).
2. Train them how to speak the truth in love – a lifelong training exercise for all of us. (Eph. 4: 15-16)
3. Equip them to look out for the interests and needs of others inside and outside your family. Consider memorizing Philippians 2: 2-3 as a family.
4. Train them how to ask for forgiveness and how to grant it (Ephesians 4: 32). Teach what forgiveness means. It is giving up the right to punish or get even with the other person.
5. When your children do something, wrong, educate them on why trust must be earned and reestablished. Explain why reconciliation and restoration are so important, how they are different, and how to do both. Coaching them through each step is how you train them in healthy relationships at home and with friends.  I will add here that in certain emotionally heated situations, there needs to be a cooling off moment. It is almost impossible to teach and train in the heat of a disagreement or altercation. Put emotions on ice; come back and train.
6. Teach them how to bless others with their words.
7. Teach them how to handle their anger.

The best training, of course, is modeling these seven steps. Apart from the empowering of the Holy Spirit, this is not possible. But with Christ, all things are possible (Matthew 19:26). Ask God to teach you; He is teaching me, and we can learn together.