Empathy- The Ability to Understand and Share the Feelings of Another

Are you a fixer?  I believe every parent to one degree, or another is a fixer. That’s just part of good parenting, right?  We desire to fix situations, outcomes, and children’s sadness or disappointments. But what if God is telling us to empathize instead of fixing those negative feelings? Let’s revisit the urge to fix. Rather, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn,” states Romans 12:15.I didn’t always do this well. I often wanted to fix the feelings so we could move on to the next thing. Be done with it! Sound familiar? Or worse, were you ever told that you shouldn’t be feeling a certain way? In parenting, we have a tendency to over-correct from the way we were parented. In other words, if you were denied your emotions; you might overcorrect by over-indulging in your child’s emotions.Looking at Scripture, we see that Jesus felt many emotions: anger (Luke 19:45), compassion (Luke 7:13), love (1 John 4:19), grief and sadness (John 11:35), agony and disappointment (Luke 22:44-46), and so on. What is the appropriate way to help your child process emotions? One of the first things, I believe, is empathizing with your child. Jesus modeled this for us. While He could have fixed every negative experience (emotion), He chose not to. This is our template.Since it is important to recognize your child’s feelings, equally important is placing guidelines on the expression on those feelings. For example, it is okay to be upset with your sibling, but it is not okay to hit him. Provide some space for the child to express their feelings to you. Empathize with your child (I know how you feel; I have felt that way myself), and then help your child process those feelings and make a choice about what would be an acceptable reaction. This takes training, time and repetition that will interrupt your plans for the next 30-60 minutes. That part is difficult, isn’t it – having YOUR plans foiled?  However, the sacrifice of YOUR time and YOUR schedule is an opportunity for God to work in your child and in YOU. Ouch!Sometimes removal from the situation and the offer of a snack, or a walk/talk might help put the situation on ice (time-out/separation) and cause a calming affect while simultaneously, not negating nor discounting the emotion. I wonder if one of our greatest temptations is to fix a child’s disappointment. Rather than fixing the emotion, limiting it, or discounting it, let’s guide and direct an appropriate response to the emotion. Give space and time to both parties. Then, bring back together in reconciliation and forgiveness. Is jealousy residing in the child’s heart? If so, is this an opportunity to help one child serve another? That’s a tall order, but one that could be the goal as your children grow and mature.Modeling is teaching. How do you handle your emotions in front of your children? Are you calm and steady in the midst of turmoil? Do you rely on prayer as a means of showing your dependence on the Lord? Does your child feel safe in telling you anything or does your child fear that your reaction (your emotions) will scare him or her? Your child needs to know that you will always offer a safe place to share feelings and in return you will offer love. That love might be followed by a requirement; but nonetheless, your love remains constant. And lastly, are you approachable or distracted by the busyness of life and emotionally bogged down yourself?  If so, seek the Lord in prayer. Your emotional well-being is an important aspect to providing a model for your children to follow.