How Do We Help Our Children Build Muscles of Resiliency?
How do you handle disappointment with your children? Would you say your goal is to allow opportunities of disappointment to build the muscles of resiliency in your child? If so, good for you! However, if you examine your parenting style when these disappointing opportunities arise, would you see that perhaps there is no alignment between what you think and what you do? You WANT to build resiliency, but you act in a manner that hovers and coddles, perhaps even fixes. All parents want what is best for their children, of course. Let’s unpack how we get there – emotions and all.
The road to helping your children build a resilient mindset is not easy because our tendency is to shield them from disappointments. In doing this, we are catering to our own hearts, rather than being willing to do what’s best for THEM. This is difficult to admit. As a principal, I would say this as a metaphor for allowing disappointment, “We will let your child skin his knee, but not break his leg.” So, there is a progression of what’s appropriate.
It begins at these early ages with allowing failure when the stakes are low. A wise woman once told me, “Never do for a child what he can do for himself.” I know it’s faster and easier and less messy, but if you usurp your child’s opportunity to try and keep trying (even though you know he might fail), it sends this message: Mom or Dad thinks I am not capable. Trying, experiencing frustration and failure at the first attempt builds resilience. The thing we must reconcile in our own minds is the tendency for perfection. Naturally, a child is not going to complete the task nor be as coordinated as you are. So what? Let’s remember our goal: building resiliency and learning to handle frustration. Snowplowing is good for snow-covered roads, but not for your child’s development. Resolve that you’re okay with allowing age-appropriate failure and obstacles. Failure begets frustration, and learning to handle frustration is a step toward emotional health.
Perhaps we should begin with our parental mindset. Is your goal to rear a child whom you can make happy or one who can begin to handle little frustrations along the pathway of life? Perhaps what you’re doing is counterproductive to what you want the long-term outcome to be. I imagine you are not wanting your child to go off to college needing a ‘safe space’ - a place of safety - to express an immature way of handling life’s frustrations and emotions.
When, as parents, we take responsibility for our children’s happiness, the child begins to think: Something is wrong with being upset and unhappy; and if I’m upset, something must be wrong with me. This mindset can cause a child to be confused, thinking only Mom or Dad can make things ‘feel better.’ Consequently, little by little confidence (even at a young age) can start to be eroded, and we rob a child from taking responsibility for solving the problem and handling those emotions with the proper guidance from parents. Naturally, providing guidance interrupts schedules, takes time, and challenges our patience.
Emotions and feelings are not our guiding north star and are not the final word on ourselves. While on the one hand it is good to say, “I understand how you feel.” As parents, you are training your child to move past those feelings - neither sulk for an extended period, nor take out the frustration on a sibling. On the other hand, your work is to help your children understand that their negative emotions are not always reliable indicators of the situation, nor of their value – their preciousness. Ask, “What does God say in this situation?” Look at this as an opportunity to teach forgiveness.
Equally important is to remain calm and ‘detached’ amid your child’s fury or strong emotion. Do you resist saying “no” for fear of an outburst? I do understand that as I lived it myself. Nonetheless, start saying ‘no’ now and teach your child that not getting his or her way is because of your love, and you know what’s best. You do, you know! State it as a fact, walk away and allow a ‘safe place’ for the fury to unravel. (Perhaps that’s where they got the idea for “safe spaces” in college). How sad because the time for safe spaces is in the preschool years.
As you build a relationship of trust and competency, it prepares an older child to transfer the parental trust to God. Children who are never allowed to struggle, suffer consequences, or experience hurtful emotions have a difficult time realizing that life can be okay despite not being happy in the moment. Teach your child that feelings are not the final word on the road to maturity. Rearing a resilient child is the goal, not a happy child. Having a happy child may make you feel good - like you are a good parent, but that mindset carries some self-serving thinking, and I know you don’t want that.
How do you, as an adult, handle your emotions of hurt, anger, confusion, disappointment? In James chapter 1, we are told to be joyful when we struggle because it produces endurance which leads to maturity and wisdom. I hear you and I agree – there is nothing joyful about trials in and of themselves. The key is NOT focusing on our emotions, but on setting the mind on truth. If we set our minds on Scripture, we learn that despite our difficulties, which give way to our emotions, God has promised to work through them (emotions) to strengthen our faith, teaching us endurance (resiliency).
I have found this to be key: Our muscles of resiliency must be exercised first before we can teach our children how to exercise theirs. I’ve never found my faith to be strengthened during my mountain top experiences. Likewise, if children have a childhood where everything is rainbows and lollipops, obstacles that are snow-plowed for them, then there is little opportunity for muscles of resiliency to be strengthened.
It is in the valleys that I find God’s Word to be of comfort and my north star. Colossians 3:2 says, “Set your mind on things above, not on the things that are on earth.” Rather than allowing our emotions to control our thinking, we must set our mind on what Paul tells us in Philippians 4:8, “Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything is worthy of praise, dwell on these things.” And this is what we must lovingly instruct our children.
I have neglected to mention the power of prayer. Take the issue of strong emotions and feelings of anger, disappointment, and so forth to the Lord on behalf of your child. We saw resolve and answered prayer in our own family relative to some strong emotions when we prayed together and memorized verses from Proverbs.
Remember, you are your child’s first teacher and modeling resiliency in your own life is a gift worth giving your child.
