Building Muscles of Resiliency in Older Children
Last week this topic focused on your preschoolers. This week I want to focus on preteens and teens since I know many of our families have older children. While the principles for building muscles of resiliency are the same, several key components are different: lengthy listening with understanding, creative coaching with biblical principles, and clarifying the conflict by asking questions. May I remind you that with younger children, your dialogue with them should be short, and consequences must be delivered consistently.
No matter the age, the road to helping your children build muscles of resiliency is not easy because our tendency is to shield them from disappointments. In doing this, we are catering to our own hearts, rather than being willing to do what’s best for THEM. Resist the temptation to rescue from natural consequences or the challenging situation. I recently received an email from a young mom (not at RDS), who was dealing with teens who were struggling with a myriad of challenges: a child feeling left out, a child’s close friend who did not make the team, the coach cutting her own child from the team, a child being made fun of for good grades while the other child received a shattering low grade. Finally – it was the dreadful comparison of social media posts. The situations were different, but the emotional responses were similar: disappointment, anger, discouragement, hurtfulness, and resentment.
I am not an expert on these matters, but I believe the answer for parents is the same: keep this stage of your child’s life in perspective with a long-view mindset. Resist the temptation to be sucked into the intensity of your child’s emotionality. Lashing out at the teacher, coach, or friend is not modeling a healthy, spiritual response. Be alert; resist the temptation to allow your own emotions to become amplified. If you do, you nullify your effectiveness to think rationally and coach effectively.
Find the best time to listen when you are not rushed. Listen carefully, and if appropriate, share a similar situation from your childhood. Pray with and for your child. Your child will long remember his or her name being brought before God the Father, in Jesus’ name. Perhaps the situation or discussion needs to be put on ice so that emotions can cool off. A time of distancing can allow the mind to bring about some clarity, both for yourself and your child. No one thinks clearly when emotionally charged or upset. Are you or your child hungry or tired? These deficits heighten emotions, also.
If you sense the timing is right, perhaps pivot the conversation and ask the question: “What do you think you should do about it?” In doing this you are instilling confidence in your older child’s ability to solve the issue. Or, perhaps say something like, “How can I help you work through this?” Your child might say, “I know I need to forgive________, but I just don’t feel like it.” (Read Matthew 18). To that you might say, “I understand; there are times I don’t feel like forgiving, but I know that God tells us to.” It’s a choice of our will and not a result of our feelings. If you sense the timing and situation is right, guide your child to pray, forgiving the offender. We forgive out of obedience to God’s command to forgive because He has forgiven us.
It’s a good time to search the Scriptures together and take comfort in seeing what God says. I particularly love Philippians 4: 5-8 which speaks about not being anxious and in verse 8, we are instructed to set our minds on the acceptable things of God. The battle is waged in our minds. If we concentrate on our circumstances, we will become disheartened and discouraged. But when we fix our eyes on Scripture, we know that God’s Word gives us hope as we work through disappointing circumstances. While none of us likes adversity nor trials, God uses them to strengthen our faith walk. If your child is not yet a believer, these are opportune times to pray so that your child sees his/her need for a Savior.
God’s desire for you is to be strong and healthy spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. He desires this for your children also, and you have influence over that. As we set this mentoring moment in the context of the whole of God’s beautiful Gospel story – Creation, Fall, Redemption,
Consummation, we see that God’s original design was perfection in the Garden. Yet Eve thought she knew better and chose to disobey God’s command. Even then, God’s plan was not plan B. He foreknew and foretold us in Genesis 3:15 of His redemptive plan for mankind and the foreshadowing of Christ. From the very beginning of time, God moved history toward the cross where Jesus would be the payment for our sin. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the hurt caused to your child was the catalyst for prayer and forgiveness toward the offender and perhaps ultimately, cause that person to accept Christ?
Perspective is so important; this world is not our home. If we know Jesus as Savior, there will be a day when there is no longer pain, heartache, mistreatment, resentment, ugly words and so forth. Rear your older children with a mindset that sees life through the lens of the Gospel message and the power of forgiveness. Research shows a strong positive connection between forgiveness and mental health, indicating that forgiveness can significantly improve mental well-being by reducing stress, anxiety, depression, and anger. After all, isn’t this what God commands us to do - forgive? God’s ways are always the best, and He wants what’s best for us and our children!
