The Hard Work of Parenting
What are some of your biggest parenting challenges? Certainly, the ages and stages of your children will impact your answer, but in these preschool ages, despite what might be the presenting issue with your children, the remedy is the same. Are you focusing on simply controlling the situation and your child’s behavior, or are you living out your faith in Jesus in the context of biblical parenting?
Stop and pray right now for God to work in your own heart to embrace the hard work of parenting your preschooler. If I were to ask you what the number one parenting issue is in your life, what would you say? Perhaps you’d say disciplining your child. If so, ask yourself, “Are you disciplining out of convenience to gain control, or are you discipling toward your child’s heart?”
And why is disciplining so hard? Hopefully, this post will speak to several of those as I will expose my own short-comings. Let’s go back before going forward and look at the narrative of God’s story. God created a beautiful world, formed Adam from dust and fashioned Eve from Adam’s rib (Creation). Due to their disobedience, sin entered the world separating mankind from God (Fall). Because God loved us, He offered a way to restore our relationship and sinful state, giving those who would receive Jesus by faith, the gift of eternal life (John 3:16) - (Redemption). Once we know this story, it is a call to decide – whether we receive God’s gift of eternal life by grace, through faith in Christ’s death, or not. This is the hope we have toward successful parenting - the empowering of the Holy Spirit and God’s Word. As we know, the story doesn’t end here. God will make all things new as He comes back and sets up a new heaven and new earth (Revelation 21) - (Consummation). But until then…we carry on!
In this narrative story, we see that all of mankind is born in sin. It should not be a surprise to you that your child sins; he was born a sinner. Therefore, your discipline should emanate from a place of assurance in God’s Word for the good of your child. There is nothing convenient about it. It will cost you to lay down your very life – time-wise, energy-wise, convenience-wise, sacrifice-wise. It will drain you emotionally. It is God’s call to parenthood, but you’re not alone; look to the Holy Spirit for empowering and wisdom. Take your role of disciplining as an expression of your love for your child just as God disciplines us. Hebrews 12:11, “All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.” God’s discipline is purposeful – living rightly in relationship to Him and others.
Memorize that verse and know that when you discipline your child, he or she is not going to like it and if executed properly, there should be sorrow in the heart and change in the behavior. However, do you ever repeat the same sin against God? Likewise, your child will repeat sinful behaviors. Have the mindset that just as you need reminders from the Lord, your child will need reminders from you. Here’s the key:
1. set consistent behavior expectations for your child (not based on how you’re feeling in the moment because that will cause you to vacillate),
2. impart consistent consequences in your discipline, and 3. orient your discipline toward the long-view. God took the punishment for our sin and placed it on Jesus. He was punished in our place, but there still must be consequences to sin; therefore, connect sin to your child’s need for a Savior who took upon Himself the punishment for their sin.
Remember, disciplining is for the training and shepherding of your child’s heart. This is hard work, but it is what is required if we are going to be responsible and obedient to the Lord for our parenting. This is a wonderful statement to say to your child: “I love you too much to let you disobey.” God disciplines those He loves (Proverbs 13:24), and you should follow suit with your children. There are many Proverbs that speak to disciplining, and when my children were little, I wrote those on post-it notes and kept them in the front of my Bible as encouragement.
As I look back on my own parenting style, I see times when I was a selfless parent and times when I was a selfish parent. Allow me to explain. Times when I was a selfish parent, I disciplined out of anger, revenge, useless words (way too many), impatience, or embarrassment. It was about what I wanted, rather than what my child needed. I was trying to fix the behavior quickly and was not focused on training the heart toward righteousness. It was all about me and my heart, not my child’s. Ouch! I shamed and manipulated rather than using the opportunity to show the need for repentance and restoration. Can you relate? Dear parents,this takes time and sacrifice; make it a priority! I hope you’ll see it as your most important responsibility.
On the other hand, when I was acting selflessly, I was assuming my God-given role of authority, stepping into it by executing loving strength. I had the mindset that by faith, God had equipped me to be in charge, and that’s exactly what my child needed; not a parent who waffled between feeling sorry for my child (yes, I could be a self-centered softie – let that sink in); but rather, exhibiting my authority as God’s instrument for correction, instruction, and righteousness. I did my best ‘parenting work’ when I did not over-talk, did not make requests (beg, coerce), and did not excuse sin. I did my best parenting when I set limits with consistency, detached emotionally, and stepped into my God-given authority with a quick “help me, Lord” prayer. We greatly hinderour children when we don’t teach them a world that has limits and consequences. God sets boundaries for us out of love, and we must do the same for our children.
If any of this selfish parenting resonates with you, repent, pray, and receive God’s forgiveness. There is not a parent on earth who hasn’t at some point parented out of convenience, serving our own selfish hearts. So, I will end the same way I began – ask the Lord to work in your own heart first in order that you might discipline in a manner that demonstrates the heart of your loving, heavenly Father. Be consistent; give consequences; orient your mindset toward the long- view, and your child’s ultimate need and decision for Jesus as Savior.
I am always available to meet one on one with you and together, pray and discuss ways to carry out your God-given responsibility of disciplining your child. I may not have all the answers, but I know the One who does. He tells us to ask for wisdom, and it will be given. It would be a privilege to pray with and for you
