Training for First Time Obedience

One of the questions we are asked most often at RDS, either via a survey or through parent-teacher conversations is related to obedience. I did not always get it right as a parent, but through it all, I learned some basic principles of Scripture. In doing so, there were times I would need to share my inconsistencies and mistakes with my children from the standpoint of not being obedient to the Lord in my parenting. This usually required me to ask for forgiveness, recalibrate, and move forward with new expectations. It required asking the Lord to help me change my habits. In short: it required first time obedience retraining, first for myself and then my children.

Based on Scripture, God is our authority, and as parents, we are God’s design for authority over our children until they leave home at 18. Most Dads, unless he is the head of a business and even then, he may answer to shareholders or a governance board, have an earthly authority at work – the boss. As a mom of littles or as an employed husband, we are given an opportunity to practice self-denial in the workplace and at home. I happen to believe that self-denial is like a muscle. Requiring obedience is helping our children flex those muscles and preparing them for their future.

At the appropriate age, two and older, it is good to teach children that God has designed the family with a hierarchy: Dad and Mom are in charge for making all the decisions for the children and the household because, “Father Knows Best.” Your parents might recall the fifties tv sitcom. It did not check all the boxes of a biblical family, but the idea of the parents being the authority figures while also being respected by their children was spot on. Your authority to parent comes from God.

I have a question for you. Do you spend as much intentional time training your children in the importance of obedience as you do while training your children to use the potty? Recall how you did nothing but stay home for a week to accomplish that task? Training the heart and mind toward obedience is just as important – even more so. If you have been lax, here are a few suggestions.

First, sit down with your child and in a few words explain how you are answerable to God for your child’s training and you, and Daddy are making some changes. This is a respectful way to approach a change in your parenting and inform your child of the new expectations. If you are changing the rules, those should be communicated. You might confess that you have been lax. Going forward with God’s guidance and for your child’s benefit, things must change. Then, share with your child that he can prefer to do one thig over another, but that he cannot disobey your command or instruction. Use your own good judgment on explaining this.

Here are some suggestions with thoughts from Elisabeth Elliot:
1) Make sure you have your child’s attention by looking him in the eye. 2) Speak in an even normal tone in a manner that communicates you expect nothing less than obedience (your teacher’s voice), and address him by name, then give the directive. 3) Give a few seconds for the message to be understood. If the directive is not obeyed. 4) Speak his name again and ask, “What did I say?” If you are training a child who is not yet talking well, he may not be able to repeat you, but he should be able to obey you. If his will is over-riding your directive, that is considered disobedience and a consequence should be immediately delivered. After practicing this a couple times, train for first time obedience going forward and tell your child that this is the expectation. Be patient; you and your child are both breaking a habit. Then, put everything else on hold and practice first time obedience with your child and be consistent. It will be challenging work, but do not give up. Pray with your child and for yourself.